To Anyone Who is Struggling with Fertility Issues:
Okay so in case you didn’t know, surprise, Kyle and I are expecting a baby boy potentially any day now! Also, before you assume by our lack of publicly announcing or posting any pictures, we are beyond excited. We spend many nights in baby's room imagining what this crazy but beautiful journey will be like.
I've started countless blog posts but they all feel wrong. Then I realized that I was writing them only to explain our lack of publicity about having a baby. I don't need to excuse anything and instead, I want to reach out to anyone who may also be struggling with fertility issues.
I had a friend tell me that I must be excited because I’ve been waiting for this baby for nine months now. The truth is Kyle and I have been waiting for nearly 2 1/2 years to hold our child. We started out so hopeful and even through the first 3,4,5...negative pregnancy tests we were still excited. Slowly our hope began to diminish and one day we found ourselves talking with the OBGYN and doing invasive test after invasive test. Eventually we ended up at Utah Fertility Center and after many more tests, we were told that we had "Unexplained Infertility" and about a 4% chance of conceiving on our own.
It is hard to express the depth of heartbreak and pain that Kyle and I experienced and I truly feel that it is not one that many can relate to unless they have also felt the pangs of infertility. Kyle and I chose not to publicly announce our pregnancy because we both felt that a Facebook post or picture did not tell our whole story. It can be so easy to assume that everyone around you has an easy time getting pregnant. We don't always know. I also understand that some people have had more severe cases of infertility than Kyle and I have experienced. We are so grateful that we have the opportunity to have a child. I know that this is not the case for everyone and that there are those who may never get that opportunity. For that, I recognize that we are extremely blessed.
I'm not going to tell you "it will all work out when it is supposed to" or that "it is all about the timing" because we both know that is not helpful advice. Instead, I want to encourage you to look for the tender mercies that are there each and every day. These tender mercies will keep your heart soft and encourage you to keep going even when it seems impossible.
Throughout our struggles, I have found myself thinking a lot about the biblical story of Peter walking on water. When I had a strong feeling like we needed to start having kids, I- like Peter, jumped out of the boat with excitement and enthusiasm. As we began trying only to be met with failure, I often took my eyes off of Christ and payed more attention to the raging storm around me. There were many times that I felt as though I was sinking. I felt scared and cried out like Peter: "Lord, save me." The Lord rebuked Peter saying: "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" I have been told the same thing and reminded many times over who is ultimately in charge here. Instead of focusing on the negatives, I was told to look for the little blessings of each day. This is probably easier for me to do now than it was in the moment but as I reflect, I can see the Lord's guiding hand in my life throughout our years of infertility. He put specific people, family members and doctors in my path that allowed me to walk on the water and be carried through this trial.
If you feel alone, you are not. The Lord loves you. He might not give you a baby right away but he will give you what you need to get through each day and that is enough. Keep holding on.
<33 Amanda
I've started countless blog posts but they all feel wrong. Then I realized that I was writing them only to explain our lack of publicity about having a baby. I don't need to excuse anything and instead, I want to reach out to anyone who may also be struggling with fertility issues.
I had a friend tell me that I must be excited because I’ve been waiting for this baby for nine months now. The truth is Kyle and I have been waiting for nearly 2 1/2 years to hold our child. We started out so hopeful and even through the first 3,4,5...negative pregnancy tests we were still excited. Slowly our hope began to diminish and one day we found ourselves talking with the OBGYN and doing invasive test after invasive test. Eventually we ended up at Utah Fertility Center and after many more tests, we were told that we had "Unexplained Infertility" and about a 4% chance of conceiving on our own.
It is hard to express the depth of heartbreak and pain that Kyle and I experienced and I truly feel that it is not one that many can relate to unless they have also felt the pangs of infertility. Kyle and I chose not to publicly announce our pregnancy because we both felt that a Facebook post or picture did not tell our whole story. It can be so easy to assume that everyone around you has an easy time getting pregnant. We don't always know. I also understand that some people have had more severe cases of infertility than Kyle and I have experienced. We are so grateful that we have the opportunity to have a child. I know that this is not the case for everyone and that there are those who may never get that opportunity. For that, I recognize that we are extremely blessed.
I'm not going to tell you "it will all work out when it is supposed to" or that "it is all about the timing" because we both know that is not helpful advice. Instead, I want to encourage you to look for the tender mercies that are there each and every day. These tender mercies will keep your heart soft and encourage you to keep going even when it seems impossible.
Throughout our struggles, I have found myself thinking a lot about the biblical story of Peter walking on water. When I had a strong feeling like we needed to start having kids, I- like Peter, jumped out of the boat with excitement and enthusiasm. As we began trying only to be met with failure, I often took my eyes off of Christ and payed more attention to the raging storm around me. There were many times that I felt as though I was sinking. I felt scared and cried out like Peter: "Lord, save me." The Lord rebuked Peter saying: "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" I have been told the same thing and reminded many times over who is ultimately in charge here. Instead of focusing on the negatives, I was told to look for the little blessings of each day. This is probably easier for me to do now than it was in the moment but as I reflect, I can see the Lord's guiding hand in my life throughout our years of infertility. He put specific people, family members and doctors in my path that allowed me to walk on the water and be carried through this trial.
If you feel alone, you are not. The Lord loves you. He might not give you a baby right away but he will give you what you need to get through each day and that is enough. Keep holding on.
<33 Amanda
Awww! So beautiful! Thank you for sharing. During my years of infertility I felt no one understood the emotional pain. I would forget HF & JC understood. So to show this encouraging message is selfless for those who felt as I did & still do sometimes. I am really am happy for you both.�� Kris
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. Looking for the tender mercies and what I was supposed to be learning helped me along the way when Jason and I were trying to get pregnant the second time. You think it will happen right away and with no problem (because the first time happened so quick for us) but month after month can get a little hard to bare. I don’t suggest getting a puppy to help ease that burden. Like us you’ll get a positive pregnancy test right after. ❤️ Best of luck with your delivery and new sweet babe.
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